“OMG, You Don’t Like Twilight?!” Revisiting Kelley Nymph’s Original Review of Twilight After 4 Years

I’ve been debating what to post the past few weeks, and though I’ve had a few ideas for posts, I was torn between them and to be honest I had a little bit of writer’s block on some of them. Then, while talking about books with a friend, I mentioned how I did a review of Twilight a while back when I first read it—-way before I started this blog. My friend suggested I share it with my fans, and so I decided to do just that.

So without further ado, my original review of Twilight. This was first published June 4, 2009:

       Perhaps I have been watching far too much of Yatzee’s snarky British humor in his scathing game reviews conducted weekly on escapistmagazine.com, but I suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to do my own review- of Twilight. Maybe it’s because I just couldn’t recover after wasting that much of my life on actually reading a poorly written and executed piece of garbage that everyone else (ie: all the retards making up most of the world) seems to love, but I just felt utterly COMPELLED to get some words out on this book. Maybe after that I can rest in peace.
      First of all, if you couldn’t already tell, I HATED it—but wait! Maybe hate is too strong a word…in that case I guess I should say I LOATHED it because every page pretty much made me want to stab myself or the characters in the story. Before I get too far in I guess I should warn my audience that if you do plan on becoming a masochist for a weekend and forcing yourself through the literary torture that is Twilight (though I don’t know why you would) that I am going to give away several spoilers that might “ruin it” for you. Though honestly, I don’t think I could ruin it for you any worse that Stephenie Meyer already did for all of us by writing the fucking book in the first place, so I’m going to move right along.
      The main protagonist (or I guess I should say self-centered whiny emo dipshit) of the story is Bella Swan, a typical annoying teenager who listens to Linkin Park and My Chemical Romance on repeat 24/7 and thinks her life is horrible when she’s honestly got it made. I know everyone goes through this phase when they are a teenager, but it SERIOUSLY starts to get old when the heroine of the story cries about 3 times before chapter one is even over! For the first couple chapters I didn’t feel sorry for her, I just wanted to slap her, and as I read on this feeling later grew into a desire for strangulation.
      Anyway, she meets this dark brooding guy (who is supposed to be so hot because he’s SOOOOO dark, alluring, and mysterious–gag!) named Edward Cullen, and through a course of events including a near death experience for our heroine (which I was very disappointed was only a near-death experience) we and Bella discover that he’s a vampire and she suddenly decides she’s in love with him…and he falls for her too, of course. Yippity yay, isn’t that exciting?
      You would think after such a ground breaking discovery that shit would hit the fan and vampires would be flying out of the woodwork, people would be getting attacked and dying, and there would actually be some semblance of ACTION in the blasted story, but that’s just it—-THERE IS NONE. I had to sit through chapters of chit chat between Bella and Edward “getting to know each other” and fumbling with their attraction to each other, half of which Edward behaves like a total cock half the time and is sweet and somewhat “human” (haha) for the other. He’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr.Douchebag. If I were the main character in this novel, I would have back handed him ages ago for being such a complete cock, but I guess Bella likes it when her men step all over her and treat her like garbage.

     Wow, what a great role model for the girls.
     I would have stopped reading there, but of course I didn’t listen to the intelligent part of my brain because scientific studies have proved that reading Twilight interrupts signals to that part of the brain; so I read on,  praying for some sort of character development or some events that would make the story interesting.
    I was yet again sadly disappointed, but at least the story seemed like it was going to pick up and get more exciting with the arrival of another group of vampires, one of which becomes set of hunting Bella.
   As for that character development thing I had wanted so badly to see…
  The only thing I feel like I have learned about Bella is she’s a whiny self absorbed teenager, which is definitely not the sort of hero I would want in my book. “Woe as me! I have to move to Washington state, even though I didn’t actually have to…My parents are divorced, NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THAT’S LIKE… No body likes me, even though there are about five male characters in this book currently jacking off to the thought of me… I can’t make any friends, so I won’t try…why are all these people approaching me and trying to, like, get to know me? I just want to listen to MCR and cut myself…” On top of the whining, she’s also a ridiculously stupid moron, as we see in the so-called “climax” of the story when she leaves the protection of the Cullen vampires and walks right into the baddie vampire’s ridiculously contrived situation to capture her and drink her blood. I had seriously hoped by that point that she would just die, even though I knew it was impossible because there are other books after this piece of garbage that continue the pathetic story, and of course she’s rescued in that incredibly convenient plot-contrivance sort of way by the Cullens.
   On the subject of Bella, I found her to be rather stupid for getting involved in the first place, especially after Edward himself advises her to stay away from him—but don’t get me wrong! He’s just as fucked up as she is and it is revealed at some point that he had spent nights in her room, watching her sleep like a crazed serial stalker, because apparently Stephenie Meyer’s vampires don’t need to sleep for some hokey reason… Sorry guys, stalker does not equal sexy. I think Miss Meyer has some messed up fantasies for her to come up with this crap and have her main character actually LIKE it. Maybe I’m wrong, but I think most NORMAL girls would freak if their love interest that they just started seeing confessed they broke into their home at night to watch them sleep.
   Probably the biggest problem I have with Twilight—amidst all the horrible boring writing about teenager drama most of us are too old for, the absolute lack of character development, plot development, and absence of anything good— there is the issue of Stephenie Meyer’s depiction of vampires. Of course every author has different depictions of vampires; it’s their story after all, they can do whatever the hell they want. Stephenie Meyer opted to do a thing many authors do and make it so sunlight didn’t make her beloved vampire coven spontaneously combust, however what she did instead was possibly the single lamest thing I have ever read. The vampires SPARKLE in the sunlight. That’s right, they sparkle. Like fucking fairies. “This is the skin of a killer,” Edward had said during the “shocking” reveal…..Really? What did you kill? Drag queens?

   Doing something like that just isn’t right, there’s no way to justify it as a good idea. How could you take something so dark and badass and turn it into THAT? That’s almost taking the Terminator and saying, “Well he’s pretty cool as he is, but I think he’d be even more awesome with pink ribbons in his hair and a gun made out of rainbows that shoots glitter.” Hey! Stephenie Meyer! These are fucking VAMPIRES you’re writing about! Dark, alluring, blood sucking, gothic freaking vampires!!!! Did you not get the memo that vampires are supposed to be children of the night, lurking in the shadows, not sparkling in the sun like a diamond?
   But isn’t it such a good, different and creative idea?!
   The answer is NO; no, this is not a good idea—ever. There’s a certain image that needs to be adhered to when working with vampires, and she just completely and totally ignored it, threw it out the window and decided vampires and fairies could be the same thing somehow.
Reading Twilight made me realize I need to hurry up and finish my novel because this world is crying out for help. If crap like this can get published, I should have no problems even if all I do is scribble on some sheets of paper. Ironically, I realized one important thing from actually reading the piece of garbage: we should not blame Stephenie Meyer for unleashing this wave nonsense, blame her sister, for the dedication in the front of the book reads, “For my big sister Emily, without whose enthusiasm, this story would still be unfinished.”
    Emily…how could you do this to us? How could you?
   As for the movie, I decided not to subject myself to that torture, thanks. So this is me, saying it’s time to put Twilight where it belongs….in the garbage. Thank you.

This actually was not my photo, my friend Adriana just took my advice after reading it and posted this picture soon after.

This actually was not my photo, my friend Adriana just took my advice after reading it and posted this picture soon after

on Facebook.

Have my feelings changed over the past 4 years?

NO.

The first book sucked, the subsequent books probably were just as bad (I refused to subject myself to the torture), what I read online of how the “plot” developed through the rest of the books was just hilariously awful, the movies are dumb, and I now have a lifelong disdain for Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattinson thanks to their popularity. I do have some updates and additional notes to report though:

1. I read an article soon after writing my review in which Stephenie Meyer cited My Chemical Romance and Linkin Park’s music to be a giant inspiration on her story……I FUCKING KNEW IT! Additionally, she stated in an interview that, before writing the book series so many grew to loathe/love, she had also NEVER READ A SINGLE VAMPIRE STORY. How does someone write a book on something they know nothing about? Poorly, that’s how.

2. To further elaborate on her terrible writing, the words chagrin and velvety appear ENTIRELY too much in this book. Buy a thesaurus, Stephenie…..actually, just stop. Please. STOP.

3. I feel, quite honestly, that Twilight has ushered in a terrible trend of awful literature getting really popular….and a trend of girls seeing abusive relationships like Edward and Bella’s as desirable…..and don’t you dare even say that their relationship is NOT abusive, because it most certainly is. The only thing keeping my hopes up in the world of literature is that George RR Martin’s A Song of Fire and Ice series (aka: Game of Thrones to a lot of you people) has become so popular. I’m hoping more intelligent and well written stories like his get noticed over the crud like Twilight.

4. The gothic community was so unhinged by this inaccurate portrayl of sparkly vampires, that it sparked a wave of outrage on and offline. My favorite example of this is a song by The Dark Clan called “Real Vampires Don’t Sparkle”. The band wanted to get the message out to the masses so badly that it is actually available for free download online. Go here to obtain your copy.

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